Select Excerpts From My Time Travel Experiment Logs

Day One-

Decided to build a fucking TIME MACHINE.  Oh yeah!  Who’s your daddy?  That’s right, PROBABLY ME.  Note to self: really don’t actually try to sex everybody’s moms if this works.  A low profile is probably pretty important because of butterfly effects or whatever.  Also it’s a little weird.

Day Fourteen-

Time machine is finally (probably) complete!  It’s hard to tell because no one has done it before.  I’m thinking I’m going to test the buttons out one by one…

Arggg

So a bunch of people told me that when I write these blogs I’m not supposed to write about giving up, because it sends a really bad message to the youth of today or whatever. So fine, I OFFICIALLY AM UN-GIVING UP.  So is everybody happy?  NO?  C’MON PEOPLE HOLY CRAP.

I guess I haven’t written one of these in a while, so here’s one. It’s terrible, just so you know in advance.

So here it is.  I have a very good reason for not writing anything recently, and that reason is that I am totally out of ideas.  Zilch-o-rama.

A Formal Apology

Okay, first of all, nobody’s friggin perfect.  I want to make it clear from the “get go” that I understand that occasionally I have these things called “limitations”, as do we all.   I realize that people have been hurt by my actions, both mentally and allegedly physically (not all the lawsuits have been settled just yet, video evidence be damned.)  I just wanted to take this moment to say, with all of my heart that I am truly sorry.  At the time I had no idea how being the subject of a fan club actually worked or what my responsibilities to that fan club were.

How to not die in an agonizing, fiery death

You probably have realized by now that, as a reader, your safety is paramount to me.  Being a skilled expert in the art of writing, I have spent many years hiding away in remote ancient temples meditating, focusing, and just plain thinking about ways to keep you, my secondary source of income, away from death’s door for as long as possible.  I also spent some time learning how to make super sweet jasmine tea.  And I mean sweet as in awesome, not as in sugary.  Although there is sugar involved.  That’s all you’re getting from me about that.

REGARDLESS. 

Writing to write

I’m not really planning on promoting this entry out there on the social networks because it’s not meant to be funny or interesting, it’s just part of my journal.  Read it if you need to indulge in a weird voyeuristic tendency.  I’ll even pretend that I’m shocked and embarrassed that you read it, if that’s what does it for you.

You people do not have enough experience with hoofed mammals

Seriously.  I was looking into this and out of our entire populace, only about .05% have a clear and working knowledge of how hoofed mammals think and function.  Is that number made up?  It certainly is, but you have to admit it sounds about right, doesn’t it?  And it also helps prove my point.  KEY POINT #1 You don’t even know if I have hooves, but you’re already accepting my biased facts blatantly corrupted to support my argument. Uh huh.  That got you thinking, didn’t it?  I don’t have hooves though, so it’s cool, you can relax. Or can you?!!!  No just kidding, you can.

KEY POINT #2 Hoofed mammals are probably most likely to overrun the human race and become the next dominant species.