Hey everyone. How have you been? It’s been a while. Sorry I haven’t blogged in so long. I’ve been… well. Busy.
“Busy how?” You might be asking. Or you might not. It’s okay if you’re not, you’ve always been a little slow. Go ahead and say it now. Or pretend like you said it before, when everyone else did. That’s the beauty of inner dialogue! Nobody ever knows that it’s usually just you sitting in your own brain eating a burrito while seventeen albino monkeys do the macarena on skates. You can tell anybody it’s pretty much anything and they’ll believe you. Oh yes, they will believe you.
Now, where was I? Oh yeah, I was busy. And then you asked how. And then I think maybe after that I carefully went off on a tangent to avoid the question. That’s right. Subtlety. That’s how I roll.
Sooooo. How about that, er… Basketball team you like?
Fine, I’ll tell you why I was busy, but I don’t think you’re going to like what I have to say. What was I doing all this time? I was busy doing real stuff. Real life actual stuff. Going to work. Raising a kid. Farming! (not farming really, but that’s also real life stuff, I think.) You know, the things normal people have to do.
See! Bullshit, right? I totally know! When I sit back and reflect on it, admitting it almost makes me angry. I should have taken a tip from myself from a few seconds ago and made up something. Maybe I should have said I was fighting alligators to save a baby or something! I guess you’d all eventually figure out it’s not true. If you asked me questions about it later, I’d say something stupid and blow it. I’d botch a detail or change it in another telling and end up with six or seven entirely different stories.
FACT: People with bad memories can’t lie. I’d tell you why, but I can’t remember where I was going with this.
So never mind, I don’t feel like dealing with that kind of nonsense. In the end, you’ll have to accept that I’m a real life regular person if this blog is going to make any sense anyway. If I’m all over-glorified, all the comments are going to be like “Hey Brent save my cat” or “Yo Brent, solve us some world hunger” or “Brent, man, what is up with you always talking about porn, what’s wrong with you?” I can’t have that, I don’t have time to come up with fake answers for all that stuff. I have cats to feed. I have very important television shows to watch.
(Okay this next paragraph is for slow pokes only. Everyone else skip this and read the next one! SERIOUSLY NO PEEKING!) Okay is everyone else gone? Sweet, here’s you’re chance to play catch up. I’m going to pretend you’re asking me another question in a few seconds. See if you can figure out what it’s going to be. Okay? Wait, did you give up? You’re just sitting there eating a pop tart, aren’t you? No, don’t cry! That’s okay. What I’m going to ask is “So why start again now?” Practice a few times and then give it a shot. Remember, Uncle Brent loves you. Just pretend like you don’t know me when other people are around. Cool? Okay?
So Brent, why start again now? (Awesome job you guys!)
I’ll tell you why. I think the world needs me again. I thought I had everything fixed and was pretty much ready to move forward and just be normal for the rest of my life, but have you all seen the news lately? Everything is all crazy. The hell people? I fixed everything, then I leave and you guys are like “let’s ruin things and be dickholes.” Seriously, cut it out.
Also, and for realsies this time, I need to start writing again. I tried to pull off finishing Nanowrimo last year and it was totally and utterly embarrassing. It was a pain in the first place because my laptop bricked, but even aside from that, the end product was absolutely terrible. I could have worked my ass off to finish it in time, but it was just bad. I sent the thing to one person about halfway through, and later when I found they hadn’t read it yet, I actually begged them to delete it without looking at it. It needs to go away somewhere to die. It seriously sucked.
So this is practice and you, my lovelies, are my lab rats. You’ll get morsels of my day-to-day life and samplings of short stories and sketches, and in return I’ll drug you up with literature and watch you stumble around and lose all your hair and grow third eyes. I’ll monitor these reactions and adjust as needed. Then when I’m ready, you all can say you took part in whatever the hell I’ve tried to do. Survived it even! I mean, at least theoretically most of you should.
So that’s it. That’s my epic first blog. If you decide to follow me after this, I hope you like Voltron, because you’re going to get a lot of that. And Rhinos and cursing. Also I’m going to get needy and tell you guys that I love you. A TON. Don’t get weirded out on me or anything, I just do that. It’s no big thing.
I love you.