Seriously. I was looking into this and out of our entire populace, only about .05% have a clear and working knowledge of how hoofed mammals think and function. Is that number made up? It certainly is, but you have to admit it sounds about right, doesn’t it? And it also helps prove my point. KEY POINT #1 You don’t even know if I have hooves, but you’re already accepting my biased facts blatantly corrupted to support my argument. Uh huh. That got you thinking, didn’t it? I don’t have hooves though, so it’s cool, you can relax. Or can you?!!! No just kidding, you can.
KEY POINT #2 Hoofed mammals are probably most likely to overrun the human race and become the next dominant species. Oh yes, I did the math and this is a fact. Everybody’s always freaking about the cockroaches because they can survive radiation or whatever. We’re also a little worried about what to call them because “cockpeople” sounds dirty, but think about it for a minute (I don’t mean think about cockpeople, you can do that later. I meant think about radiation.) The radiation thing is only applicable under the slim chance that we’re all going to blow ourselves up with nuclear weapons and dirty bombs. There are way more hoofed mammals than nuclear weapons and nuclear weapons are usually hidden away underground in bunkers. Hoofed mammals are every-friggin-where.
KEY POINT #3 Santa Clause has flying reindeer. That just creeps me out man. seriously, he’s already magic, does he actually need flying reindeer on top of all of that? I know Santa (probably) isn’t real, but I find this little detail super annoying.
KEY POINT #4 Goats are like super smart and also super mean. They’re like the evil supervillian of the hoofed mammal universe. I had a friend who had a goat once, and it acted super sweet. I was like “Goat, we’re best friends.” and my friend said “No, that goat is not your friend.” I was like “Aww, dude, so not cool.” But then he told me a story about how he takes care of the goat and feeds him all the time and the goat is always super sweet, but no matter who you are, if you turn around, he will ram you in the rear end. I didn’t test it, but I could see the look in his eyes. He’d been rammed in the rear and it probably hurt.
Note: Elk are like the evil supervillian goat’s thug cronies.
For more evidence on goat evilness, check out this creepy looking goat picture.
See what I mean?
KEY POINT #5 Rhino’s are the only renegade hoofed mammals. They were the only ones who were all like “Guys, people are okay, lets give them a chance.” Now the rhino are becoming extinct. Coincidence? I don’t think so.
KEY POINT #6 Hitler had hooves! I don’t really think this is true, but that would TOTALLY make sense if it were. I heard he never let anyone look at his feet, and that he really liked salads. FACT: Hoofed mammals are herbivores. Hitler was also a nonsmoker and so are most hoofed mammals! Anyone starting to see what I’m getting at here?
KEY POINT #7 Hippos are the most dangerous wild animals on the planet. Ever! And guess what? Yep. Hoofed mammal. I was actually just guessing at this at first, but I looked it up and it’s totally true. They are juggernauts of destruction that attack people and boats (sometimes for no reason at all) and they have no problem with snapping us up in their tusks and tearing us into a bazillion pieces. What’s even worse is that they do some super disgusting stuff with their poo called dung-showering that I’m not even going to get into. If you seriously want to know, go look here. It’s messed up.
KEY POINT #8 Hoofed mammals like to hang out with geese, and geese are also pretty evil, and can maybe time travel. I know this from first hand experience. Geese and elk (see before about elk being goat cronies) teamed up on one occasion to take me out. I got out of there with my life, but only just barely. I think maybe they knew I was going to write this article. Geese in the future probably figured out how to travel back in time and saw this post and were like “holy crap, Brent knows about us!” But the joke’s on them, because if they hadn’t tried to kill me, I wouldn’t have been tipped off to their evil plan, so it’s actually a paradox! THANKS GEESE (and elk who were probably just hanging around and were super easy to convince to help them.)
Alright, I could probably keep going on and on, but really, aren’t eight super infallible key points enough to convince you? Next time you’re in your car and a deer jumps out in front of you, you’ll be like “Brent was right! That deer is a kamikaze agent!”
You might be scared, that’s good! You should be scared. I’m scared all the time. I build traps in my house for hoofed mammals every day. My wife gets mad because they’re dangerous to the kid or something, but what’s more dangerous? My awesome traps or risking our lives to a hoofed mammal attack? I think we all know the answer to that.