You probably have realized by now that, as a reader, your safety is paramount to me. Being a skilled expert in the art of writing, I have spent many years hiding away in remote ancient temples meditating, focusing, and just plain thinking about ways to keep you, my secondary source of income, away from death’s door for as long as possible. I also spent some time learning how to make super sweet jasmine tea. And I mean sweet as in awesome, not as in sugary. Although there is sugar involved. That’s all you’re getting from me about that.
One of the things I was worrying about was that one of you might die in a horrific death involving fire. That would suck A) because if you burn to death you can’t buy any of my stuff. B) Any crap that you bought of mine would be burnt and therefore wasted. SUCKS, right? Okay, yeah I know Mr. High and Mighty Stephen King gets pissy when people resell his books, but not me. Especially if it’s to a poor person who would otherwise just say screw it and not buy the book. If you’re rich though, don’t be a douche. Go buy a new book. That is of course assuming I eventually write one.
Um. Oh yeah, FIRE.
So there are a couple things you can do to not find yourself being licked to death by fires flames (a great phrase that sounds kind of hot at first and then KABAM, not so hot. Because you’re dead.) Make sure to write this stuff down, but not exactly the way I do because that’s plagiarizing, unless you credit me for it, which I think would look weird in a note to yourself. But I don’t know, maybe not?
Tip #1 – LIVE UNDERWATER
I get how this really isn’t a viable option for most people, but wouldn’t it rock? You would have to be able to breath underwater, otherwise you’re living in a contained space underwater, and then you’re back to possibly getting killed by fire again. And actually it would be even worse, since even if you got out of the fire, you’d strangle on the smoke or whatever. So unless you have gills, Tip number#1 is more of a tentative suggestion that needs work. We’ll maybe get back to that.
Tip #2 – Buy a Rhinoceros/some Rhinoceroses.
First of all, because it would make you a badass. You’d be riding in a car with your friend and be like I have to feed my pet “Spike.” And you’re friend would be all like “Ooh fine lets feed you’re little pet. Teehee haha” (Your friend is an asshole by the way. You’re a good person, you deserve better.) And then you would get to your house and be like “Here’s Spike” and the rhino would come out and probably gore your friend, and then while he was dying he’d be like “Ooh dude I’m so sorry I was such a jerk, also I’m sorry I kissed that girl you liked in second grade, here’s her number, she’s way hot now and she totally hates me. Arghhh” And you’d be like “Down Spike. Naughty Spike.” but secretly you’d be laughing inside.
But not only would it be cool in general, rhinos are nature’s own fire deterrent. I didn’t even have to do research to know this was true already, I’ve known it ever since I was a little kid, because I saw it on “The Gods Must Be Crazy” which is I think kind of a documentary.
Crazy right? But probably SUPER TRUE. It seems right, at least.
Tip #3 BE A REALLY, REALLY FAST RUNNER WHO IS ALSO SUPER STRONG.
I’m pretty fast, but I mean really, really fast, like faster than fire. You would also have to be super strong so you could break through walls or trees if they are in your way. This is kind of like Tip #1, since it’d be hard to pull off unless you had a ton of time to train, but I say get started, and keep it in the back of your mind, just in case.
Tip #4 BUILD YOUR HOUSE OUT OF SOMETHING THAT DOESN’T BURN, LIKE DIAMONDS.
In Superman 3, Superman takes some coal and heats it up with his laser eyes and it becomes diamonds, so if you don’t have diamonds use coal, and then if it catches on fire enough it will eventually turn into diamonds, I’m guessing. SPECIAL NOTE: you should probably not live in your house while it’s coal. You could probably make your house out of mud too. I don’t remember ever hearing that mud can catch on fire.
Tip #5 WEAR A SUIT MADE OUT OF BACON
Not so helpfully for the fire thing, just something awesome that popped in my head a few seconds ago. If you were hungry YOU COULD EAT YOUR CLOTHES. If you have friends you’re not embarrassed to be naked around, you could make them suits made out of hamburger, bread, and cheese. Then if you guys got hungry you could all have bacon cheeseburgers.
Tip #6 WUBBA WUBBA WUBBA
I’m kind of running out of ideas now. I wanted to come up with ten, but seriously, once I came up with the rhino one, I can’t think up anything else that would work as well. I should have tried to think of it last, now the process is all screwed up. I’ll see if I can come up with more, but if not, you guys are stuck with this.
Tip #7 OH YEAH THE NORMAL BORING STUFF
There’s all sorts of normal boring ways to not die of being burnt to death. I think legally you HAVE to have a smoke alarm, so that’s one. You can pipe water into your house and have it spray all over all your crap any time it magically “thinks” you have a fire, though that doesn’t seem to reliable to me. You can also “not set things on fire” which I hear people do sometimes. OH, I thought of something else!
TIP #8 DON’T BE A FRIGGIN WITCH
Because people BURN witches. I mean not around here so much anymore, but I’m willing to bet it still happens in a lot of places. I actually knew people who liked to say they were witches, I guess because it’s supposed to be “shocking.” Also dressing up like a “sexy witch” for Halloween is pretty cool, so don’t don’t take it as a 100% ban on being a witch, just be sure that you proceed with caution.
TIP #9 ALWAYS BE AWARE OF FLAMMABLE ITEMS YOU MAY BE WEARING
Like if you were wearing a bacon suit. Apparently that is something that’s flammable. Other things that are flammable include suits made out of cotton (MOST CLOTHES!), hay, plastic wrap, paper, gasoline, plastic, fish sticks, and/or carpeting. So watch that stuff. I mean it’s kind of hard to avoid it, and since we’re not allowed to walk around naked (THANKS GOVERNMENT) you’re probably going to spend a lot of time at risk. Just try to stay aware of it as much as you can. Knowing is half the battle.
TIP #10 SERIOUSLY THE RHINO THING IS PRETTY MUCH THE WAY TO GO
Do we really need ten whole ways to do something when there’s one awesome fail safe way to do it already? I mean there aren’t ten different ways to rock, right? No, there’s just ONE WAY, per Sammy Hagar who is an EXPERT at rocking. If you find an awesome way to do something, why not stick with it? I am officially declaring this blog finished. There. Done. Why are you still reading it? Go away!