Okay, first of all, nobody’s friggin perfect. I want to make it clear from the “get go” that I understand that occasionally I have these things called “limitations”, as do we all. I realize that people have been hurt by my actions, both mentally and allegedly physically (not all the lawsuits have been settled just yet, video evidence be damned.) I just wanted to take this moment to say, with all of my heart that I am truly sorry. At the time I had no idea how being the subject of a fan club actually worked or what my responsibilities to that fan club were.
Now that I’ve done a little research on wikepedia, frankly I’m a little embarrassed. I feel that after looking back on everything I’ve done over the last few months, I can admit that a bloody and hostile takeover might have been the wrong move to make on my part.
I mean, everybody gets a little “crazy” now and then, right? I saw on Oprah once that it’s good for the soul to get a little wild and let your hair down, so let’s all just try to think of this as therapeutic for me AND for the surviving members of the facebook page “The Brentastic Voyage” which by the way is so not lame, despite things I may have said in the past. I only said that because I was trying to deflate your morale and get the upper hand. Also I was completely wasted on vodka and cranapple juice, which is AMAZING.
Oh, don’t get me wrong, you’ll be happy to hear I’m not stepping down as fan club unified emperor just yet. The fact that most of you guys were using a democracy based system in the first place clearly indicates that the fan clubs were never handled correctly. I mean, look at “WeLoveBrentSmith.com”. It barely took me four days of intensive planning and preparation to singlehandedly topple that poorly managed excuse for a “committee”. Group Treasurer Kimmy Johnson actually let me walk right into her house! Instead of being all whiny on the forums (and on national television- so not cool) you all should just be glad it was me, instead of some guy out there on the street who doesn’t even care about how great I am. Seriously, think about THAT for a second.
Though I won’t be stepping down, I unfortunately WILL be dismantling the massive slave army I assembled, including the sex slaves and craft services people (ugh, I know, right?) Apparently there are legal issues involved, which I think we all can agree is bullcrap. Sure, it’s frustrating, but you guys don’t have anyone but yourselves to blame for that. If we’d been more aggressive during operation “celebrity kidnap”, we would have had some leverage on the government and been able to keep moving forward, heck maybe even started our own government. Such amateurs! How the hell we even ended up with Kirk Cameron and 3 of the 5 members of Warrant I’ll never know. I’m not holding grudges though, seriously you guys (and ladies too) are the best!
I think what we should try to take from this is not so much all of those “examples” I set for club deserters, but the fact that we got to share sooooo much face time with each other! For REAL, how many fans would die for a chance to spend entire days (granted they were days without food, water, or sleep) hanging out with their idol? I don’t know, but it’s probably way more than than the three or four people who were regrettably (repeatedly) stabbed and aren’t even dead (Hang in there Kimmy! Once again, so sorry about that!!!!)
And I can honestly say this- which fan club has the BEST member privileges? Uh, YES! Ours does! How many of you people came out ahead when we overran that mall in Springfield? I’ll tell you how many, all of us! Yeah, two or three people may have been tasered, but we all knew those were the risks when I forced you to sign those waivers at gunpoint. And what happened once we were all back on our feet? That’s right, Auntie Anne’s pretzels for friggin EVERYBODY. I don’t see that going on over at J K Rowling’s lame ass fan site! “Woo, hey look at us, we’re all magic.” Oh yeah, check us out. We’re all trained to put a bullet within 3 inches of it’s intended target and get in and out of a secured area in under six minutes. Stick THAT up your sorting hat and smoke it.
But I digress.
Despite the fact that I’ve managed to unify SIX separate fan groups, some of whom were completely at odds with each other (that’s right, I’m talking about you “Brent Smith’s Missouri Hometown Pride” and “Brent Smith Worldwide”,) it has come to my attention that many of you are unhappy with my efforts. I won’t pretend like it doesn’t hurt my feelings to hear this kind of stuff from fans. Sure critics will say I’m a merciless tyrant who bathes in the blood of my rivals, that’s fame for you and I’m used to that garbage. But when you guys get out there and start saying it, it really hurts. I’m doing all this stuff out of love, or more specifically, my love for your love of me, and this is thanks I get. Well here’s your formal apology, I’m so flippin sorry.
Maybe you guys want to join some of the new anti-Brent Smith fan clubs that are starting to pop up here and there? Is that what you want? Let me tell you something about those clubs. Maybe you heard about members from those clubs mysteriously vanishing? Oh you didn’t? You should look into that a little. Maybe you’d be rethinking this whole thing. I don’t know, you can go take a little lookie-poo online and get back to me on that. Go ahead, I’ll wait.
Okay, I got a little rattled just there. I’m straying from the point, which is
- So sorry about the violent overthrowing of all my major fan clubs (Sorry Brent Smith Fans in Connecticut, we just didn’t get there. Maybe some other time!)
Hopefully we can all let bygones be bygones. I totally dig you all and really appreciate what you’ve done for me! It really is all about you, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for the fans. Thanks for everything, this was super fun! Lets try to pencil something like this in again next year, maybe some kind of cruise or something.
-Don’t forget, benefit BBQ at Phil Piazi’s place on Friday! I’d love to be there for you guys, but I’m super busy at the moment… Also, there are some restraining orders out there. Don’t worry, no hard feelings on my end!