Select Excerpts From My Time Travel Experiment Logs


Day One-

Decided to build a fucking TIME MACHINE.  Yeah!  Who’s your daddy?  That’s right, PROBABLY ME.  Note to self: If this works, don’t actually try to sex everybody’s moms.  That’s probably pretty important because of butterfly effects or whatever.  Also it’s a little weird.

Day Fourteen-

Time machine is finally (probably) complete!  It’s hard to tell because no one has done it before. I’m going to start testing out the buttons one by one…

RESULTS: Attempts one through seventy eight failed.  Attempts eighty through eighty seven also failed.  Attempt seventy nine may or may not have worked, because I was trying to go forward in time 15 minutes and I may just have been dicking around with the buttons for 15 minutes before I logged the results.  Also I didn’t really check what time it was before I pressed the button.  Still, pretty good success rate compared to previous attempts by others.  ZERO POINT ZERO ONE ONE PERCENT SCIENCE BITCHES!

Sadly, button eighty seven was the last button.  I can’t say for sure why there are so many, but I can’t see it being that big of a problem in the long run.  I’ve pressed all the buttons without much luck, including pressing button seventy nine again a few times.  Now I’m going to try mashing a bunch of them at once to see what happens.

Day Unsure, Late Cretaceous Period-

I’m now seeing how mashing up the buttons may have been a mistake.  It’s not really possible to log which buttons were being mashed and my very scientific process of just remembering which buttons I was hitting does not appear to be working.  Kind of freaking out a little.  Also I’m sort of seeing why nobody tried harder to build a time machine before this.  Apparently there’s a lot of potential for things to go really, really badly that I overlooked.

Going to find a place to poop, BRB.

Day 3 ATT (After Time Travel)

I didn’t want to write anything again until now because I was worried at first about using ATT to define the time-frame here in the past, and I couldn’t for the life of me think of anything else that sounded good.  Then I was like screw it, because technically I came up with it first.  You know, chronologically or whatever.

Also I can confirm there are no cavemen yet, which we all knew but I have to admit secretly I was a little disappointed about it.  I guess it doesn’t matter so much because the whole “Flintstones lifestyle” is pretty much impossible to pull off as all the dinosaurs around here are totally not working with me.  They are mostly dickweeds and keep trying to either bite me or step on me.   Note to self:  tell scientists in the future to stop studying dinosaurs, they are all jerks and if Jurassic Park ever gets made it will be a huge douchefest.

Day 9 ATT

Out of food.  I had a bunch of canned meat, but I used most of it to try to lure dinosaurs so I could ride them.  I cannot emphasize enough that dinosaurs are complete dickholes.  I mean, I hate to stereotype, but they ate the meat and then would either bail or try to eat me EVERY SINGLE TIME.  I’ve been trying to figure out if I can eat some of these plants or not but they all look pretty disgusting.

OH!  I also tried to catch a dinosaur to eat, but it was NOT.  EASY.  AT.  ALL.  I wasted a perfectly good rope trying to bring one down like Luke Skywalker did with that AT-AT in The Empire Strikes Back.  I also had to run A LOT when the dinosaur decided to turn around and chase me.  I hate sweating!  I was totally uncomfortable in my clothes the rest of the day.  And you can’t wash off in the lakes because guess why?  Yep, they’re filled with more fucking dinosaurs.

Day 10 ATT

Found some plants that taste like crap but appear to be edible.  Not sure how nutritious they are and I am seriously jonesing for some Taco Bell like you would not believe.  I also started mashing the buttons again on the time machine to try to get back.  I was so busy trying to ride/capture dinosaurs over the last couple weeks that I started forgetting to do that.  I’m wondering if this time machine was maybe a one time thing.

Also crying a lot.  And very gassy.  Could be that I had some bad plant for dinner.

Day 42 ATT

I keep finding myself accidentally relying on the concept that someone will miss me and start looking for me.  Then I realize that’s probably not going to happen and I get really bummed out.  I was mashing buttons on the time machine all day, so much that I forgot to eat some crap-plant (I don’t know if that’s the scientific name for it.)  It’s already barely enough to keep me going as it is, so I need to at least get what I can in my stomach.

It’s occurred to me a few times now that I was possibly not overly prepared to time travel to the late cretaceous era.

I also found out the whole “Wilson” thing from that Tom Hanks movie is bullshit.  I found a rock and gave it a name and painted a face on it, and it’s pretty much still just a rock.  I consider myself one who has a pretty good imagination, but it’s still no dice when it comes to having an imaginary rock buddy.  Imaginary rock sex partner is very likely still an option, we’ll see.


Okay I’m back and I know what you’re thinking.  Day 2?  Sorry I didn’t write this in the logs immediately but I really needed to have a little time to, you know… sob uncontrollably, shave, shower, and sob some more.  And EAT.  Oh man did I eat!

I pretty much came back at the exact same time I left, so that was sort of good.  But since I cleaned myself up BEFORE telling everyone what happened pretty much no one believes me.   So future time travelers, you may want to take note of that.

Also, showing people this log did less to reinforce my story than I’d hoped because I was “a little less than detailed about my experiences than I should have been compared to your typical scientific experimentation log.”  SO SORRY!  I WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE DETAILED, BUT I WAS BUSY BEING CHASED BY DINOSAURS.  Apparently sciency people get pissed off when you tell them you’re going to go back in time and screw their moms, so I got kicked out.  Anyway I know the truth and I guess that’s what’s important.

I’m probably not going to mess with the time machine again anytime soon, unless I can find a way to gauge things, for example, where I intend to travel and which buttons to press to leave and come back.  It’s an awful lot of work for something I’d pretty much only use a few times to get back at some scientists that think they are “oh-so-the-most-detailed-experiment-logging-scientists-ever.”

Even if I don’t go back, I can’t help but smile at the little bit of revenge I had on them, because I totally didn’t bother warning them about making dinosaurs!  They can HAVE each other!  I have my imaginary rock sex partner and that’s all I really need.


About thestsp

Brenton Smith used to live in a haunted house. I mean, he never saw a ghost or anything, but he used to hear crap all the time. Also one time while he was in bed, he thinks something touched his leg. He and his friends eventually gave the ghost a silly name and it went away embarrassed. He still feels guilty about that sometimes.
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