My compilation of the best lifehacks of 2014 (so far!)

If you’re looking for some fun ways to improve your life, look no further! These little tips will allow you “smooth sailing” through the rest of the year.

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10. Grease yourself up in vegetable oil before getting dressed and going to work every day

This way if you have to grapple an FBI agent, all you need to do is take off your shirt and they won’t be able to get a good finger hold. Taking off socks in the evening after a long days work at the steel mill will also become a breeze using this helpful tip!  Add some shine to your day and everyone else’s too.

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9. Consider getting an exotic pet

Any local wildlife that’s “bigger than a breadbox” will do very nicely for this lifelong buddy lifehack.  Don’t waste money on this fella’s domesticated (aka EXPENSIVE and BORING) counterpart, as these fabulous creatures are readily available in any nearby forested area with the right kind of traps.  Think of how great a conversation starter it will be!  You can spend hours just coming up with cute names that will really wow your friends and family.  Get ready to make new and interesting friends at your local pet friendly park where they will run and play along with the “normal” pets.

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8. Pretend you know an extict language

Whether it be spicy Crimean Gothic, tragic Susquehannock, or mysterious Greenlandic Norse you’re sure to be the life of any linguistics party as you impress those around the table with your overwhelming knowledge of a subject most scholars could only dream of.  The best part is you can just make ridiculous noises with your mouth and nobody will ever know the difference.

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7. Take your friends out for an all expenses paid Caribbean cruise…

and then spend the whole trip paying for absolutely nothing while avoiding them through the hulking vessel’s maintenance shafts and labyrinthine staff corridors. Spend your days in the shadows, quieting those who might take notice, spend your nights hunting rats for food and scribbling cryptic messages on the wall with your own feces (or blood!)  At the end of the trip when you meet up with them again you can be like “YOU ALL GOT PUNK’D” right in their stupid, surprised faces.

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6. Take a week off and spend it writing an epic poem

This will make you super famous because not a lot of people write epic poems any more. It doesn’t even have to be that good because the new epic poem market is literally empty.  It’s really just simple supply and demand, and you’ve got nothing to lose for trying.  Don’t even put that much of an effort into the story.  Something about a lost dog finding it’s way back to it’s family?  People eat that garbage right up.

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5. Did you remember to rinse after brushing your teeth?

Sometimes people forget is all I’m saying.  The cup is in the exact same spot.  Look at it.  It’s not even wet.

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4. Next time you’re on the bus start singing to the oldest looking person there

They’ll be so confused!  It’ll be hilarious, just watch.  Try beforehand to convince everyone else on the bus to sing to them too, this will make it look like you’re doing a cool flash mob kind of thing.  Singing the exact same song at the exact same time will make it even more convincing if you think you can pull it off.  There are other cool things you can do, like choreographed dance moves and silly costumes that you’ll be wearing underneath big coats.  You’ll definitely get on the internet.

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3. Open the phone book and stare at it

Try crossing your eyes and then slowly uncrossing them.  You’ll quickly realize every page is secretly a different “Magic Eye” stereo-gram of dolphins playfully swimming in the ocean!  Spend hours of delightful fun flipping from page to page.

You don’t see it?  Every one else can see it.  If you can’t see it there might be something wrong with you.  Nobody will like you if they know you can’t see it.  Just tell everyone you can see it.  It will be fine.

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2. Steal things from people

They won’t miss it and you need it more than them.  You’ll eventually end up with the most stuff which inherently makes you a better person.   Tell people this often and loudly, and they will appreciate your honesty and commitment.  Everyone will finally love you, you can say to yourself as you stuff their silverware into a rough burlap sack slung over your shoulder.

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1. Try wrestling a goat

Every day and every night.  This will make you stronger than everyone else on your tiny mountain village.  It is the way of your ancestors.  We don’t care if you love to dance, what does that have to do with goat wresting?  Besides that isn’t how we do things here.  You have to respect tradition.  You have to do this to make your family proud of you again.

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About thestsp

Brenton Smith used to live in a haunted house. I mean, he never saw a ghost or anything, but he used to hear crap all the time. Also one time while he was in bed, he thinks something touched his leg. He and his friends eventually gave the ghost a silly name and it went away embarrassed. He still feels guilty about that sometimes.
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2 Responses to My compilation of the best lifehacks of 2014 (so far!)

  1. Jennifer says:

    A phone book? What’s that! Is it an app?

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