Sometimes Daddy loses his keys. That happens, so listen I’m not being accusatory here, but sometimes, just… sometimes, my pretty little sunshine hides them. Did you hide my keys honey? Can you please tell me where they are? Are they where you’re looking right now? Over here? Shit. No they are not.
Sorry sweetie, Daddy doesn’t mean to use naughty words. He’s just very frustrated. Daddy is going to be late for work and that’s not good. Daddy has an important meeting this morning. Please stop crying, here’s a cookie. Stay still for a second until Mommy comes back downstairs, Daddy’s going to keep looking.
10. Are they in the refrigerator?
Sometimes I accidentally sit them down in here when I make my breakfast. Yeah… nope. No, they are definitely not in the fridge. Well, let me just look behind this. No, that was stupid, I wouldn’t just sit them behind something. You’re wasting time, think dummy!
9. Are they in mommy’s things?
Mommy will tell me that they aren’t in here without bothering to look, so I’m just going to peek for a second just in case she maybe grabbed them by accident. Wow, this thing is a mess. What is all this? Who the hell is Jill? Do I know a Jill? I don’t think I know Jill. Some gum, I’ll just take a few of these. Whoa, it is definitely not in that pocket. God. Okay where else?
8. I hope that damned dog didn’t eat them.
He could have I guess. It’s not outside the realm of possibility. That dog is an asshole. Don’t listen to Daddy dear. Sorry. He looks fine though. He definitely doesn’t look like he just swallowed a bunch of keys. I should probably tell Mommy to keep an eye on him when he goes out for the next couple of days.
7. You didn’t eat them, did you?
Sorry, that’s stupid. That key chain is huge, you’d be dead by now.
Oh god, you WOULD be dead by now. I hadn’t thought about that. There’s no way I can leave without them. Worst case scenario, I was going to borrow Mommy’s keys, but what if you were crawling around and… Okay, okay. I can’t think about that. I really have to keep looking, like right now.
6. Are they behind this thing?
What is this thing even, some kind of decorative gourd? I’ve probably walked past this thing a hundred times by now and I’m just noticing we have it. Why do we buy this crap? Well whatever it is, my keys aren’t anywhere near it.
5. I know I checked my pockets before, but let’s look again just in case.
Nope. Nope. Empty. Empty. Nope. Empty. Aaaand… no. This thing has a ridiculous amount of pockets. I’m going to have Mommy sew some of these up.
4. Maybe they’re in the refrigerator?
I looked here already didn’t I? Man, I’m starting to get so agitated I can’t even remember which places I’ve already looked. I am definitely late. Late late late late LATE! This sucks.
3. Oh okay, I think I left them up in this thing!
Jill is Mommy’s yoga instructor, I just remembered. No clue where the flipping keys are, but I have no problem remembering who freaking Jill is. Nope, it’s not even under this plant stuff. How many things do we have? I feel like we have a lot of things we don’t really need.
2. It was definitely something like that thing though. Maybe this thing.
Mommy have you found them up there? No? Okay, thank you.
Theses aren’t real flowers? I always thought we were putting real flowers in this thing. It’s pretty though. At least it’s better than the gourd. I’m exhausted, I swear it’s like they’ve just vanished.
1. Okay, I am definitely late.
Honey, Daddy is probably going to be home a lot more for a little while. Daddy has got some things he really needs to think about. I’ve just got to make a phone call here. Oh perfect. Fantastic.
Sweetheart, have you seen Daddy’s phone?