25 Incredible Facts You Won’t Find In A Book (Because They Are Completely Unsubstantiated)

Hey you.  Yeah you, in the Christmas sweater.  First of all, dude come on… it’s August.  Second, do you like lists?  YOU DO?  Awesome, because I’ve prepared the mother of all lists right here.  It’s epic and wondrous.  Do you have to go to the bathroom?  If so, I recommend you go now.  I’ll wait.

Okay, if you think you’re ready, let’s get started.  I have here twenty five little known facts that are primed and ready to blow your freaking mind.  They’re also completely true, no matter what Snopes or anyone else has to say about it.  Don’t bother fact checking anyway, because like I said these are little known facts.

We’re talking incredibly rare knowledge.

If you don’t believe in the magic it won’t work, so you have to erase all doubt before we can move forward.

Ready?  Okay, then take my hand and follow me into Wonderland. Wonderland is the name of my old EconoVan.  I’ve got it parked across the street, it’s the one with the unicorn painted on the side.  Let’s go!

  1. The color green is an illusion.  The rest of the colors are real, but green is lie.  Do NOT buy into the green conspiracy that the government has been trying to shove down our throats.  Shhhh. Don’t panic, I’ve lined the walls of the van with aluminum foil so they shouldn’t be able to hear us.
  2. Winston Churchill is still alive and he plays bass for a punk band in Denver.  They’re called the Rusty Beltbuckles and they’re just okay. He’s a little over 140 years old but he wails pretty hard for an old dude.  We actually partied pretty hard together after a show once, his favorite drink is a whisky and water.
  3. Sharks are the foodies of the ocean.  They take mental images of all their prey before they eat it and they never ever forget any of them.  They say if sharks could upload all the mental pictures of their meals on Instagram the entire internet would be full and they would have to start a totally new one called The Internet, part 2.  It was a close call between that and the New Internet until the people in charge of picking the name remembered what happened with New Coke.
  4. Did I say the green thing?  I did?  How about the thing about the number 12?  Okay so the thing is the number 12 is actually REPEATED when we count to 1 billion, but they’re stretched so far apart it becomes difficult to notice.  Check this out… 9 10 11 12 13 14…(let’s skip ahead now)1,568,013 1,568,014 12 1,568,016 1,568,017.  Did you catch it?  If not look again!  MIND BLOWN.
  5. Sailors in the olden days used to use pineapples to navigate on cloudy nights.  The natural magnetism in pineapples allowed them to make makeshift pineapple compasses that led them home and also made a tasty treat!  Scientists believe this may have a lot to do with the origins of the “Hawaiian Style” pizza.
  6. With the right amount of preparation chickens can be trained to be skilled in the art of Jujitsu. This is due to their superior flexibility and an innate ability to smell fear. The best example is most likely 1996’s MMA /UFC champion Feathers Cluckenspiel, Jr. who later furthered his career as the spokesman for Hair Club for Men.
  7. All carpets are made at least partially from cardboard.  That’s where the “car” portion of the word carpet comes from.  The “pet” bit is Bulgarian for squirrel testicles which has nothing to do with the carpet making process, the guy who invented the word carpet just thought it would be hilarious.
  8. The exact same process used to make cider is the one that’s used to make bubble gum.  The only difference is that a football is used in place of a heat lamp.  Also the labels are different, because otherwise it could be confusing.  This is why parents are taught early on to caution their children against swallowing their gum, lest they get completely hammered.
  9. In Waukegan, it’s illegal to shower in a convertible Volkswagen wearing only a leopard print top hat.  UNLESS you have a pygmy goat in a matching tuxedo.  Sorry about that one, it’s a lot to process all at once, but it’s super important if you want to avoid a steep $35 fine.
  10. You’re technically allowed to bring your own food into a restaurant if you have solid doubts about the structural integrity of the building’s awning(s).  It’s the 28th amendment of the constitution but nobody talks about it because it’s written on the back next to a dirty limerick.  The amendment was handwritten in pen by President George Herbert Walker Bush in 1992 after a particularly festive White House Taco Tuesday.  Congress tried to have the law removed, but were surprised to learn that, due to a quickly scrawled note on the back of the Declaration of Independence, once something’s written down there are absolutely NO backsies.
  11. In officially sanctioned Scrabble competitions the only way to break a tie is to draw letters until one of the players is the first to have enough to spell antidisestablishmentarianism.  Because of the high level of skill that pro Scrabble players have achieved, 21 of the last 22 international Scrabble finals have all ended with the implementation of this tie breaker.  The first place prize for winning the National Scrabble finals is $38 and a sweet t-shirt.
  12. “Old Yeller” was only four years old when he died and only rarely ever yelled.  An older, louder dog was cast to play him to maintain the facade, despite pleas from his family asking Disney to accurately portray his story.  Only after countless legal battles did Buena Vista Pictures finally release the story and a more true to life version was filmed by rival company 20th Century Fox though no one ended up watching it because it starred Owen Wilson.
  13. Neckties were invented by Julius Caesar in 69 BC.   He came up with the idea while trying to improve upon Casual Fridays, though sadly his invention didn’t take off until long after his death.
  14. There are only six people that are really REALLY in charge of all the Red Lobsters on the planet.  One of those people has tons of vacation days saved up too, so a lot of the time it’s actually just five people.
  15. The duck billed platypus mating ritual is both exacting and bizarre.  Without getting too detailed, I can only say that it cannot be performed successfully without exactly 11 participants, at least 8 gallons of lime margarita (NO SALT), and a box of scrunchies.  The scrunchies can be pretty much any color fabric but should incorporate a polka dot or paisley design.  The Taronga Zoo in Sydney has invested trillions of dollars in researching ways around this as scrunchies are becoming harder and harder to find, but sadly there have yet to be any breakthroughs.
  16. The infamous Pope hat is actually a combination of twelve different hats, one to represent each apostle, which is why it’s so huge.  Up until the 18th century his entire outfit was comprised of twelve different pieces until Pope Benedict XIV grew concerned that his papal attire made his holy hind quarters look fat.  The accompanying shoes were incorporated into several famous Italian theatrical displays and eventually morphed into what we now know as “clown shoes”
  17. You can ingest up to six pencils a day without. experiencing any ill effects, as long as they are properly chewed.  Some people have been known to ingest as many as eleven pencils in one sitting, but that’s generally considered rude as pencils typically come in packs of twelve.
  18. On the island of Tokelau in the Pacific the prominent religion is the Shumwayan Church of the Sacred Gordon.  Apparently television was introduced to the small island just as the show ALF was premiering and the natives immediately took to worshipping it.  Their chief exports are copra and hilarious antics.
  19. Every state has to have a backup name just in case someone from that state does something super dickish, like become the next Hitler of something.  Montana’s replacement name is Mount Awesome, New Jersey’s is South New York, and Florida’s was actually Florida.  Florida used to be called Plumsmugglevania, so… yeah.
  20. Due to technical loophole in the California court system, very book with the word “Apple” in its title is legally considered co-authored by Steven Jobs.  On a related note, any music album with the word “Hamburglar” in the title has to give songwriting credit to Sting.
  21. The first recorded use of an intervention was in a 1964 episode of “Bewitched”.  In that episode Darren and Endora approach Samantha about her continued Cocaine abuse.  It was later cut from the episode, entitled “Just One Happy Family”, but rumor has it this was the original backstory for Samantha’s well known nose twitch.
  22. Baskin Robbins likes to advertise having 31 flavors, but in reality there are only 17, the others are just different combinations of the original 17 otherwise known as the “primary” flavors.   When asked for comment on the scandal, CEO Nigel Travis guiltily exclaimed “What are you doing hiding in my laundry room? Joanna, call the police!  Why are you covered in dirt? Did you get in here through some kind of tunnel system underneath the property?” Clearly this man has something to hide.
  23. Groundhogs communicate to each other through a series of ropes, pulleys, and discarded cup ware.  Obviously this all happens miles beneath the earths surface so humans rarely ever witness it.  When they are found, often these networks are attributed to inquisitive folks like you or me who are just looking for the truth and happen to stumble upon them while looking for evidence near the homes of CEOs of well known businesses, but clearly they shouldn’t be used as evidence against us because that’s all on the groundhogs.
  24. Hungry?  Chew on a potato!  Most people are familiar with potatoes because of their ability to power government buildings and vehicles, but did you know they’re also edible?  Much like pencils, they can be ingested in small amounts over time to provide the sustenance we need in extreme situations.
  25. Paper is a long con.  We’ve known all along that paper comes from trees, but did you know that after they sell it to us, we use it, then recycle it, and then they sell it  to us again!  This is how paper companies have become so powerful that they own 73% of Antarctica.

Understandably you’re concerned, and you should be.  I’ve just hit you with some pretty heavy truths.  I’ll give you a couple minutes to soak it all in and compose yourself.  I may even untie you and take the gag out of your mouth.

That was fun right?  We had an adventure!  Now if… whoopsie, I mean when… you get back out you can’t just unload all of this stuff on everyone.  I chose you because you’re special, but not everyone can handle it, so make sure if anything you distribute this wealth of information in small doses.  If someone starts getting suspicious USE CAUTION, because there’s a very high chance that person works for the government.  It doesn’t matter if they’re the president or a mailman, if they know that we know what we know they have full authority to take us out on the spot.

Try not to get too freaked out about that though.  Dying is a beautiful thing.  I’ve done it six times!  How are those ropes?  Are you comfy?  Good, I’m just going to take a little nap.  That’s how I communicate with the groundhogs.  I’ll let you know how all that turns out when I’m done!

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About thestsp

Brenton Smith used to live in a haunted house. I mean, he never saw a ghost or anything, but he used to hear crap all the time. Also one time while he was in bed, he thinks something touched his leg. He and his friends eventually gave the ghost a silly name and it went away embarrassed. He still feels guilty about that sometimes.
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3 Responses to 25 Incredible Facts You Won’t Find In A Book (Because They Are Completely Unsubstantiated)

  1. LOL My favorite was #16

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