Did you know? (More facts about the blog author)

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Despite the enormous amount of fiction you’ll find in his posts and despite how unbelievable these may sound, each one is 100% true.  These facts were compiled by Brent’s biographer Trent Cliffe and not by Brent himself because HAHAHAHA wouldn’t that be sad? 

  1. Once in boy scouts he had to wear a shirt as a pair of pants for an entire day because of poor planning on his part.
  2. It is impossible for him to remember the name of the hospital where he was born.  He’s asked his parents for that information on multiple occasions but still has no idea which one it was.  He doesn’t know why but it feels like that should be important to know.  He also has no clue what his blood type is.  That one may be even more important.
  3. He’s deathly afraid of waterfowl and cloven hoofed mammals.  Both of these phobias stemmed from the same event.
  4. The only time he’s ever placed first in anything is when he authored a short Spanish Dramatic sketch that his teacher liked and entered into a competition at Washington University.  In reality, he wrote the sketch entirely in English and had a friend who spoke fluent Spanish translate it for him the night before the project was due to get a decent grade.  He claims to have no regrets about any of it.
  5. He learned his current job skills by digging out old computers from a dumpster behind the local flea market, then parting and rebuilding them in a friends basement.  On a semi related note, the first computer he ever owned was sold by Mattel (yep- the toy company.)  His parents won it for him by going to a time share presentation.
  6. He swears to god he saw a bear once while he was out walking.  Everybody says it was probably just a big dog but it was definitely an average sized black bear.  It ran away when he yelled at it.  He can’t convince anyone to call him “The Bear Master” even though that’s obviously what he is.
  7. He believes firmly in rational thought (except for when he’s alone and it’s dark because then he is for sure that there are fucking ghosts you guys.)
  8. The only time he ever got in an actual physical fight with his friend Mike was when they were trying to sneak out of a graveyard behind a monastery.
  9. His mom will run away from anything that looks remotely like a snake even if she is fully aware that it is in fact not a snake.   (Okay, that one’s not really about him but he finds it extremely hilarious.)
  10. He owns a 20 year old stonewashed old gray denim coat named Phil (after Phil Collins.)  It saved his life once so he refuses to throw it away.
  11. Sheryl Crow irritates him beyond what most consider to be reasonable levels of anger.  To further this agitation, he has inadvertently been forced to sit through three of her live concerts because he went specifically to see other bands at those festivals and didn’t realize she would be there.
  12. He has been in more fictional bands (3) than real ones (2).
  13. He once built a rope bridge out of bed sheets from his bed to his bookshelf.  That brilliant idea ended with him in the ER with seven stitches on his chin.
  14. If you talk shit about a rhinoceros he swears he will fight you right now.
  15. He used to be convinced that he didn’t have to sleep and that it was like a weird superpower he might one day be able to develop to fight crime.
  16. His dog Mikey was the smartest dog ever and he’s convinced somebody stole him because he was so extremely awesome.
  17. One time he and his roommate Matt were stuck at the house for an hour wondering why his car wouldn’t start before they realized they hadn’t taken it out of “Drive” when they parked it earlier.  Brent later convinced him to drive the same car into a flood, which also did not go well for them.
  18. At one point in his life the most interesting thing about him was that he’d seen “Adventures In Babysitting” in a theater.  He told this fact to numerous people, none of whom seemed to realize how seriously kick ass this was.
  19. He’s really, REALLY good at solving logic problems.  In his early teens he realized his memory was awful but that he could get around it by using logic to fill in a lot of the blanks.  That means he probably has a ton of false memories that make sense logically.
  20. When he was in elementary school his interpretation of “Winning a fight” was to run away from bullies as fast as he could and then immediately drop and spin towards their legs so they would trip over his flailing body.  AUTHOR HAS NOTED THAT THIS TECHNIQUE DOES NOT WORK IF YOU ARE RUNNING DOWNHILL.
  21. Brent never drank a drop of alcohol until about a month before he turned 21.  He created a new drink (named “the Purple stuff”) for his upcoming birthday party which consisted of a bottle each of Tequila, Gin, Rum, Vodka, and Everclear mixed 50/50 with purple Kool Aid.  He mixed it all in an unused gasoline container to leave in the freezer for a month (it does not freeze.)  While making it, he  occasionally drank some to check the taste and was so fucked up by the end of making it that he couldn’t walk.  He crawled over to a lazy boy and turned on the television and just sat there alone and hammered out of his fucking mind until he finally passed out.
  22. He is also the co-inventor of the “Twinkie Shot” which is a Twinkie sitting in a red solo cup  soaked in a half glass of Southern Comfort or bourbon.  The drinker has to shoot the ENTIRE Twinkie plus the liquor or it doesn’t count.  The Twinkie also acts as a sponge, so the longer you wait to drink it, the more disgusting and difficult to drink it gets.  This same pair also co-invented a game called “Pain” in which players would whiz golf balls at each others heads.
  23. His wife almost indirectly caused Jean Claude Van Damme to kick his ass once while they were vacationing in the south of France.

trent cliffe

 

Written by pro biographer Trent Cliffe.



 

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12 Responses to Did you know? (More facts about the blog author)

  1. Jason says:

    what about the hat?!?!

  2. Megan says:

    #17 seems so familiar. Might have done that once or twice huh Amanda Goss?

  3. A friend who frequented his "Friends basement" says:

    Please…I must know more about the Jean Claude incident!!!

    • Everybody was Kung Fu fighting!

    • thestsp says:

      Heh, I think I’m going to write out a lot of these eventually but the Jean Claude incident isn’t a major one, so here it goes…

      The first time I visited France, Virginie and I split the trip into two halves. The first was in Lyon where we spent time with Virginie’s friends and family and celebrated our engagement. The second half was spent in the South of France (known as the French Riviera here and absolutely nowhere else.) While we were down there we weren’t very far from Cannes and I asked to go see it. Not realizing it was right in the middle of the film festival, Virginie reluctantly agreed.
      When we got down there the entire city appeared to be a madhouse. No traffic was allowed on the main streets unless you were in a limousine, so we parked at the edge of town, grabbed some ice cream at a small shop and started walking. It turned out there weren’t as many people around as I’d first thought, it was mostly press or big clumps of tourists, but the city itself was dazzling. It really was a beautiful experience.
      We walked for about ten minutes while Virginie related this story to me about a friend who’d taken a photo of some star in Cannes and was able to sell it for a lot of money, so I kept the camera attached to my wrist with some naive hope that we would be able to do something similar (despite the fact that her friend was an accomplished photographer.) Shortly after telling me that story, a limo pulled up to a hotel across the street where we were walking and a crowd of people appeared from seemingly nowhere, taking pictures and being all hysterical-like. Everyone near us ran across the street to see who the source of all this chaos was but we stayed on the other side realizing that by the time we got there we wouldn’t be able to see anything anyway.
      Right around the time we’d lost interest and had decided to get moving, the limo pulled away from the hotel and parked exactly five feet from where we were standing. The door popped open and out came Jean Claude Van Damme with a small entourage. I was in a state of shock and had completely forgotten about the camera, but Virginie hadn’t and grabbed it (still attached to my arm) and took a picture.
      The shot turned out great, but she’d grabbed the camera from me in such a way that my wrist was still in the loop designed to keep people from stealing it. Not only was I stuck there, but it had twisted my arm around in such a way that I had to turn my entire body to right myself or I would eventually fall down clumsily in the presence of this guy who could do the splits while elevated on two chairs for minutes at a time (not to mention a bunch of people with cameras.) To avoid that I had to step almost directly in front of him and spin my body in such a way that it looked as though I was going to try to feebly roundhouse kick him, all while he was obviously hurrying to get into a nearby building and as far away as possible from people like me.
      Luckily JCVD (as close personal friends like myself call him) didn’t give a crap about this awkwardly twisting idiot in front of him and managed to get inside without really having to get anywhere near me. We still have the picture somewhere! And we had a great time seeing a few more celebrities and just taking in the atmosphere. Good times!

  4. Shauna says:

    HA! Brent, this is awesomely hilarious. You should submit your work somewhere.

  5. zebediahlane says:

    I can confirm many of these are true, alas. Except number 22. I’m pretty sure that the Twinkie must be soaked in Southern Comfort, not whiskey or bourbon.

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